I walk into the local pub and reluctantly make my way to the bar. Joining a group of my friends, they hug, kiss and greet me with a, “Look who’s here.”
“…you’re doing well to come in tonight.”
“…we’ll take you out of that bit of a funk you’ve been in.”
My best friend Eve pours me a glass of red wine from the bottle she has on the bar behind her. Hands it to me saying, “See, this will cheer you up. Everyone needs a night with their mates from time to time.”
I nod, as the lump I have in my throat prevents me from replying.
No use trying to explain. That nowhere, and no one can help me stop the way I feel. Unable to articulate the emotions, I just stand there sipping my wine.
The pub is packed to the rafters; people jostling for space making me feel claustrophobic and overwhelmed.
Music blasting out as the band set up in the usual place, ready to play. I used to love watching bands until this all enveloping darkness overcame me.
Sipping my drink I stare into space. So alone, isolated despite the packed pub and friends all around me. I find even the smallest task difficult now. My intense emo-tions get in the way.
Meanwhile my head is still working. Making a plan of its own. A way to end the torment and pain I feel constantly.
No one listens to me properly, not really, to what I have to say.
I get told.
“Snap out of it.”
“You wouldn’t be so selfish as to try and top yourself. Would you?”
“Don’t be stupid.”
But, in my head I am screaming out and in agony. I can’t begin to describe the way I feel and no one seems willing to listen.
The pain in my heart is a physical one and very real to me. Constant and abiding.
I don’t want to be this way at all. I want to be the glass half-full person I used to be.
If only someone would actually reach out to me and pull me back from the edge. Does everyone believe I enjoy the constant crying and black thoughts I keep having? No one seems to see me and believe that I am in such a state. Able to do something dreadful to myself.
They won’t miss me for long. Memories fade. Don’t they?
I tell everyone I am nipping to the loo, but I’m not. I have a plan now which I comprehend is dangerous. If someone has a plan they have got to the stage of putting that plan into action. I know this on some level. But my need to end my life is overtaking any sensible thoughts in my head.
The sensible thing to me, is to go through with my plan.
I head home and retrieve my car keys. About to step outside, two of my boys appear, returning from a trip to the shops. They see the look in my eye and each takes an arm, turning me round. Bringing me back into the house.
Tears are rolling down my cheeks. A flood of never-ending tears. My constant despair manifests.
When did I start to cry?
They tell me how much they love me. That things will get better. They will get the right help for this. With this all abiding, all encompassing black depression. It isn’t a funk, or a little episode I am having. Depression is so much more than this. It is like being in a straight jacket. Unable to escape and… constant. Leaving you in despair.
They are both crying now, finally someone realises that I am not doing well.
Maybe though, with someone listening, with love and understanding soon I will be able to say…
I am doing well.
Scarlett Flame © 2016
My name is Scarlett Flame and this is my author page. I am passionate about writing, and write about passion.
I am a qualified Children’s Nurse, and have a degree and PgDip (Masters qualification), so probably not someone you would expect to write erotica. Although born in Salford I reside in Manchester, England.
I love to read and write, but only started writing seriously almost two years ago. Singing is a particular pastime I enjoy, listening, as well as singing myself. This is why you are likely to find me attending gigs, and enjoying the Indie bands that abound in Manchester. These perform in general in an area of Manchester called the Northern Quarter.
Although my debut novel is a collection of short erotic stories, ( one does have a fantasy, paranormal, sci fi elements, my work in progress (WIP) is a paranormal erotic romance, set on a Steampunk world. Having dragons, werewolves, magicians, and other amazing creatures to discover.
I am an avid reader and writer, and share my reviews of books, gigs and my adventures (when I have them) on my Blog. So, please visit often. I recently was awarded Blogger of the Year 2014 by Skelat.I am very proud of that achievement.
Thank you so much for taking part Scarlett!
To see the full list of authors taking part in this month-long blog tour, [click here]
To find out what “They Say I’m Doing Well” is all about, [click here]